The Drunken Antics of Four Big Bads!
by jaded316
Summary: Finally! A proper ending! The four big bads learn the identity of their captor and get the answer they seek. But wait! Is there another evil force for them to worry about? It's the battle of the authors and the power of Clay Aiken is unleashed on them!R
1. Twins, Exiled Agent, Incorporeal Vamp

Title: The Drunken Antics of Four Big Bads!  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't torture them so.at least I wouldn't torture them outside my bedroom.  
  
Summary: In the beginning, a wise and all knowing author said, "Let the bad asses meet!" And it was good. Imagine a place where universes meet. Where people from different worlds could have a drink, maybe shoot some pool, and argue whose the biggest and baddest "Big Bad" of course! The Twins, Agent Smith and Spike walk into a bar and share a drink or to, muse about their respective lives and the a$$holes that make it a living Hell.This should get interesting.  
  
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Chapter 1: A Set of Twins, An Exiled Agent and an Incoporeal Vampire Walk into a Bar.  
  
It's a brisk Friday night in Los Angeles, California. The streets are busy and filled with club goers who are usually weekday morning stiffs who have decided to take full advantage of the weekend. At 1:00 a.m., the city shows no signs of slowing down, leaving the promise of lazy, hangover induced Saturday mornings. The kind where you have a bottle of aspirin by your nightstand as you halfheartedly watch Saturday morning cartoons. Yes, these citizens surely so love the "Night Life." But would they love it as much if they knew what really roamed the streets after dark? Would they be able to handle the harsh truth? Or would they crumble apart much like their ignorant bliss as they discovered reality? What would they do? And what kind of new horrors would they face?  
  
"Bloody Hell!" Spike screamed as his second whiskey went right through his non-existent body, much like the first. "How is a bloke supposed to get good and pissed when he doesn't have a body?!" Spike was at a local bar, about a block away from Wolfram and Hart. He was forced to stay nearby because of the amulet which Angel so lovingly called his "leash". ~ Ponce of a grandsire ~ Spike thought angrily. ~ Thinks some damn amulet gonna keep me in place. Please. At least I learned a few good tricks from the Reaper. I wonder how Peaches will like his hair when he realizes I replaced his gel with super-glue ~ Spike smirked as he sipped his drink. Still, the alcohol just spilled on the floor, causing the waiter to slip on the liquid and fall. "Ahhhhh!" screamed the waiter as he fell onto a table, which was occupied by a blonde woman and her boyfriend. The drinks the waiter carried fell onto the candle on the table and caused it to produce a large flame that set the blonde woman's hair on fire. "Ahhhhh!!!!! My hair! My hair!" The woman began to run around in circles as her big hulking boyfriend, who didn't look like the brightest bulb in the chandler, hit her over the head with a newspaper that everyone was pretty sure he was pretending to read. " Don't worry honey!" *smack* "I'll beat the fire out!" * Smack *. The waiter, who had scurried to the back when the woman's hair became the Olympic torch, returned with a fire extinguisher, right after her boyfriend knocked her to the ground, but right before the guy could stomp on her head. "Don't worry! I've got it!" The waiter yelled as he blasted the young woman's head. When the smoke cleared, the young lady was bald and began to beat up her boyfriend and the waiter. "YOU STUPID SONS OF B****ES! YOU'VE RUINED MY HAIR!" As the young, formally blond woman continued to hit the petrified men, Spike's smirk grew into a full on devilish grin. ~ Then again, I guess there are worst things than being a ghost ~ Spike thought contentedly.  
  
Moments later, an imposing figure in a black, well-tailored suit, walked through the door. His stone expression and sunglasses that hid even a glimmer of any emotion he might have had made Spike seem even more human, even if drinks went straight through his body. The man walked right past the frantic bald woman and made a show of stepping over the ashes of what use to be her hair. Spike raised an eyebrow as he watched the man saunter up to the bar and order a drink. "Give me a gin and tonic." The well- dressed man ordered from the bartender. The bartender nodded and began fixing his drink. "So what business exactly does a former agent from the Matrix have here?" Spike asked casually as he observed the older man. Seeing as he was an agent, there was no real way to tell his age. He very well could have been older than Spike. "I'm just here to order a drink." The man said, knowing full well that the bleached blonde man to his left was a vampire. " Me too, but as you can see, " Spike said while motioning to the floor. " As your type would say, 'my mission seems quite futile'." Spike finished in his most stoic and composed voice. "I'm Spike by the way." Spike reached out his hand to shake the agents. "I'm Agent Smith." Replied the exiled agent. As he tried to shake Spike's hand, he was a bit surprised to find that his hand went right through Spike's. The only evidence of Agent's Smith surprise was a slightly raised eyebrow, which Spike grinned at.  
  
"It's a long story, but in short, I was a vampire, I died to save the world but came back because this cheap piece of costume jewelry trapped my soul in it. Now I'm bound to the damn thing." Agent Smith regarded Spike with now two raised eyebrows as he sat down and decided to gulp his drink down. "That's quite the fascinating story.Spike." "Then you'll love this part. Best of all, my path of redemption started for love but ended with me wanting to do the 'right thing'. That could land my life story as a daytime movie on Lifetime for sure. So what's your deal, I mean there must be some reason you were fired as an agent of the Ma.." Spike stopped in mid sentence as he watched two other agents who looked like Agent Smith come toward them. " We wanna go to the movies." Said Agent Smith Copy #1. He was wearing a black leather jacket with black jeans, shirt and boots. "Yeah! We always have to do what you say but now that you don't have anything for us to do, we wanna have some fun!" Copy #2 whined. He was wearing an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt and blue jeans. "Plus there are two totally hot chicks checking me out." Copy #1 sneered at the two women sitting at a table behind them. "Give us some money, Daddy." Copy #2 crooned as he mustered up his best pout. Agent Smith just sighed and gave the copies some money. The two copies walked away and were joined by the young women at the table as they walked out the door. Spike looked at this confrontation with his jaw on the floor. He could have sworn he could see the gray hairs magically appear on the poor agent's head had witness his hairline receded even further.  
  
"What in the Bloody Hell was that?!" Spike wailed, slightly afraid of the little money grubbers and completely freaked out at the whole scene. "Those were my copies." Agent Smith sighed. " I created them to help me bring down my archnemisis, but when I don't keep them occupied they become a bit.eccentric." "Oh." Spike. Looking paler than usual, turned to the bartender. "Don't just stand there! Get the man a drink! You saw those brats he has to support!" Spike barked at the bartender, who immediately jumped to action. "Actually there are more of them than just those two." Agent Smith mumbled as he inched his sunglasses up his face to massage his eyes. "How many more?" Spike asked warily. " A couple of dozen, maybe a hundred..." "Get this man a bottle and quick!" Spike yelled. The bartender came back with a bottle of gin and Agent Smith dismissed his glass for just drinking straight out of the bottle. " That's it. Just drown your sorrows. I wish I could." Spike mumbled.  
  
As Agent Smith placed a half empty bottled down, two figures walked into the bar. Everyone stopped to stare at the two newest arrivals. They wore long white coats and white vests under them. They each had on a pair of tan boots, gray shirts and white slacks. White ties finished their ensembles. Their long white dreads framed their chalk white faces, that looked even paler than Spike's. Spike noticed their fingernails. ~ Gunmetal gray. Nice ~ Spike thought as he regarded his own black fingernails. They were twins in just about every aspect. Perfectly matched. Their entrance made Spike think about Smith's annoying copies and he involuntarily shuddered. The Twins smiled at this, and made their way to where Spike was sitting. ~ Just great ~ Spike though. ~ Do I have a sign inviting every weirdo from the Matrix to come sit by me? ~ Being a killer, Spike recognized an assassin when he saw one. And judging from how Agent Smith tensed when he saw the Twins coming, he figured Smith knew these guys, at least by reputation.  
  
"Good evening, gentlemen." One greeted. "I'm One and this is my Twin, Two." Two nodded slightly in greeting. "You are Agent Smith, right? Yes, our paths have crossed on a few occasions." Two cockily said while sitting down to the left of his brother, who had already sat down next to Spike. " Yes. We have met before, but under much more unique circumstances than these." Agent Smith answered with an equally cocky smirk. ~ Oh boy. Better interrupt before this gets outta control. ~ Spike thought. "Hello. I'm Spike Everybody's favorite ghost!" Spike said with fake enthusiasm while putting his hand through Agent Smith's bottle. Two pairs of eyebrows shot up at this revelation. "Really?! You're a ghost?! Wow" Two said in genuine awe. "We are too! We'll in a sense. You see, we're programs, like Agent Smith, but we have a ghost from!" One explained now fascinated by the blonde stranger. "Really? How does that work?" Spike asked, brows frowed in confusion. The Twins grinned maniacally at the same time. "Like this." The Twins said in unison as they went into their ghost forms. All of the other occupants of the bar screamed and ran out of the door. The young woman, whose hair had been scorched, used her former boyfriend and waiter as battering rams to beat the people out of her way. "GET THE F***ED OUT OF MY WAY YOU LITTLE PISS ANTS!"  
  
When the bar was empty by all except for the four and the bartender, the Twins resumed their human form and sat down grinning. "That was more fun than a barrel of monkeys!" Two replied excitedly. "My good man!" One said to the bartender who was scared stiff. "Give the whole bar a round of beers! On me!" The bartender looked at him angrily. "Gee, mister. While a few minutes ago that would have been great for my business, but now there's only four of you in the whole house!" Spike snickered and Agent Smith smirked as One continued to talk to the very pissed off bartender. "I know. That's why I'm offering." One said in his most innocent voice. Two began to laugh, which just aggravated the bartender more. "Look, a$$holes! You ruined one of the busiest nights of the week for my bar so I'm gonna have to asked you to get the Hell out! Don't make me come over this bar and." The bartender stopped in mid sentence as the Twins pulled out their blades, Agent Smith pulled out his 9 Caliber gun, and Spike went into Vamp Mode. "And what?" Agent Smith growled as he ever so slightly pulled back the trigger. "And huh.give you guys free drinks on the house! As a matter of fact, all of your drinks here are free!" The petrified bartender said with a nervous smile. He sighed in relief as everyone put their weapons away and Spike let his Game face slip away. "Come on guys. Let's go sit in a booth." Spike suggested. The other's agreed and they decided to sit in one of the recently vacated booths.  
  
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Check out the drunken antics of this foursome fore, in the Next Chapter:  
  
The Twins and Spike argue about which are cooler: White dusters or black dusters!  
  
And the four decide who are bigger pricks: Angel, Neo or The Merovingian.  
  
Also, they decide to have a deep religious and philosophical discussion. With hilarious consequences!  
  
Who cares if this whole fic doesn't make sense? If you like it and wanna see another chapter. Please R&R  
  
Love,  
Jaded316 


	2. Nuuh! White dusters Totally Kick Black D...

Chapter 2: Nu-uh! White Dusters Totally Kick Black Dusters Ass!  
  
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"You don't know what your bleeding talkin' aboot!" a drunk Spike slurred, finally feeling some affects of the alcohol that was mostly pooled around him. "Black leather is so much cooler!" "Puuuhhhlease! Black leather is for truckers and ssslutty biker chicks!" One cried out also inebriated. "Wha'sss so wrong with that?" Spike asked with a devious grin. "Besides, it's also for bad ass Master vampires I'll have you know! I was sticking railroads spikes up peoples asses while you were still in your silk, white Pull - ups!" Spike straightened out the lapels of his trademark leather jacket and puffed out his chest. " Gimme a break! White leather dusters are a hell of a lot more original and fashionable! Sides, you're just jealous cause our hair is sooo much cooler, Sid Vicious!" Two taunted, receiving an incredulous look from our bleached blonde vampire. "How dare you! You're hairline receded worst than Agent Smithbob Broodypants over here! Everyone here is just jealous cause I have a full head of hair!" Spike moved a hand over the blonde, curly locks and cringed at the pissed off expression Agent Smith gave him. "You try raising a hundred copies of yourself and see if your hair doesn't fall out in clumps!" Everyone, except for Spike, at the table shuddered at the idea of a hundred Spikes running around reeking havoc. "Hey! I'm very enjoyable company! Especially for the ladies." Spike broke out in a sexy grin and the three Matrix natives rolled their eyes. " Yes. God forbid we have to compete with your stunning good looks. Every woman wants an Eminem wannabe." Replied Agent Smith. Spike's face became sour, One began to laugh so hard that he fell out of the booth in fits of laughter and Two gave Agent Smith a thumbs up for his quick wit. Agent Smith just smirked and got up to give a bow. "Damn programs." Spike muttered. "Always sticking together. Making fun of the undead bloke."  
  
A half a hour later, people began to flood back into the bar and the four "Big Bads" decided not to run them out of the bar. At least not for the time being. " I'm so so sorry Sssspike!" Two slurred while huddling up to Captain peroxide. "You were right. Leather is cool! Think about all the nifty things that are leather. Leather whips, Cat O' Nine tails, leashes with those spiffy spikes on 'em." Spike gave Two a weird look as the program leaned his head on the vampire's shoulder. " Heyyyyyy now! I'm not my sodding grandsire, Peaches! If you want some funny business, you go ask him for a bit of "Rough and Tumble." Two gave Spike a quizzical look until he realized the implications of Spike's words. "NO! NO.*cough* *ahem* NO!" Two said in his most manly voice, sobering up pretty quickly. " I mean, alotta neat stuff comes in leather." "Yeah it does doesn't it? And I guess white dusters aren't very sissy, especially when worn by such kick ass assassins..." Spike mumbled the last part. " Thanks.Should we .uh." Two asked cautiously. Spike looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Alright, mate. Let's just make it quick." Spike and Two moved to give each other a quick hug but instead fell on the other sides of the booths hitting their heads. Unfortunately due to Spike's drunken state, he lost the little bit of physical control he had. "Oh! Bloody Hell!" Spike and Two yelled in unison. Spike was the first to get his barings back. "Well that was bloody stupid." Two just shook his head in agreement as he rubbed his bruised forehead.  
  
On the opposite side of the bar, One was at the jukebox and Smith was observing two young men play pool. "Let's see, what to play, what to play, ah! I've got it!" One put in some money and pressed a series of buttons. All of a sudden "Bootylicious" started blasting from the jukebox and One was doing Beyounce's "booty shake." Both of Agent Smiths' eyebrows shot up as he watched all the girls in the bar start dancing with the albino program. Back at the booth, Spike was dancing in his seat and Two had his head in his hands, mortified from his brother's actions. "I don't think you're ready, For this jelly!" One sang out loud as he ground his hips against an eager brunette. Red with anger and embarrassment, Two stalked to his brother and pulled him away from the girls. The girls moaned in disappointment while others made crude comments about what they could do with the twins. "Wooohoo! Boys, I could put some color back in those cheeks!" Screamed the brunette that was formally dancing with One. Two dragged his brother back to the booth and pushed him towards his seat. "Sit!" growled Two as his brother grinned at him. "What! I was just dancing! Geezzz! Calm down, Mom!" Two narrowed his eyes at his twin and punched him in the arm. "Ouch!" yelped One as he rubbed his arm. "That hurt!" Agent Smith walked back to them. A little wobbly from the amount he had to drink, but intimidating nonetheless. "I don't know what was so bad. That nice redhead over there offered to give you two twin beds!" Smith said in a fake, innocent voice. "You know very well she said that if we came over that the three of us wouldn't need twin beds!" Two seethed as Spike slumped under the table and onto the floor in laughter, One smirked and Agent Smith covered his devious grin with his glass. "Whatever, my bad." Was Smith's only reply.  
  
Another half an hour went by and the four began a lively discussion about religion, philosophy and human nature. "You're telling me that most humans believe in an almighty being who will reward them for being nice after they die? What a jip!" One yelled, his dreads hanging like a curtain over his face as his head lulled back and forth. "Yeah! What are people suppose to do while they're here? Shun themselves from the world? Become shut-outs who brood too much and use way too much hair gel?! Glad I'm damned" Said Spike. " From what I've heard, Angel isn't that bad of a guy. At least he doesn't go around spouting off about frivolous matters like causality or cause and effect. Always giving meaningless speeches, off in his own little world where he is the most important person. Fake ass French prick." One said with disdain in his voice. One nodded his agreement and Agent Smith snickered as he remembered the Merovingian. "Yes. You guys have it pretty bad, having to work for that jackass. But at least you don't have to fight "The One." Smith raised his hands and did air quotations as he said "The One." "Please. Even with just the copies as back up, I have the uttermost confidence that you'll be able to kick that wanker's ass!" Spike replied as he took a drag of his cigarette, smoke floating up through his non-body and toward the ceiling. "Hey! No smoking in here!" The bartender yelled. Agent Smith just looked at the vampire pulled out his gun and shot the bartender in the head. "Really? You really think so? You're not just saying that?" Once everyone realized what had just happened, for the second time that night, people screamed and pushed their way out of the bar as the foursome just continued with their conversation like nothing happened. " Really! I mean, what kinda ponce calls himself "The One"? That's so played out. Hell it was old before I got fangs!"  
  
This time, a hour went by, and the four moved to the bar and helped themselves to drinks seeing as the bartender wasn't exactly "quick on his feet" as One liked to call it. " Alright. So you've been a good little boy or girl and die so what's you're reward? A place where all the goodie goodies in the world come together to do what? Play checkers and eat pudding for the rest of eternity?!" One screeched, thoroughly irked by the whole idea. "Please give me sinful, bad bondage fun and a serious tan when I die any day!" One said as he smirked at the idea of "bondage fun." " Yeah, I'm pretty sure Twister would be out of the question on the list of Fun Things to do." Two said warily. "I'm so glad we don't have such a thing as religion back in our world." Agent Smith replied. One and Two nodded and Spike looked at them skeptically. "Riiiight." Spike said, causing the other three to look at him in confusion. "What?" Agent Smith and the Twins asked in unison, completely dumbfounded by the vampires sarcastic reply. It was a known fact, right? That their world was run by machines. How could that be religious? "Look." Spike sighed. "The Matrix is ran by The Architect, right? Smith, you said it yourself when you were talking with Neo. Purpose is the key to everything. Everyone and everything has a purpose, a reason for being. It was predestined to do something specific. Predestination is the chief belief of Calvinism, which is a Protestant religion. It's roots actually came from Catholicism before it got all corrupted and such." Spike lit a cigarette as the programs sat with their mouths hanging wide open, Trying to digest this new information. "You know, you guys really should try to pay attention more about history. I'm just saying that it's possible that the Matrix is based on religion, making it probably the most real thing there. For all you know after deletion you guys get your own personal place in Hell, where you're told what to do by some even geekier version of Bill Gates." Agent Smith and the Twins looked at each other and let out the most blood curdling cream Spike has ever heard in all his one hundred and twenty years of mayhem and destruction. "How could The Architect do this to us?! Damn us to an eternity of suffering?!" One squeaked while pacing in front of Spike. "I don't know, I don't know? Think it's too late to be good?!" Two asked joining his brother and making Spike go crossed eyed as the two paced. At least Agent Smith was quiet. Then again, he was sitting under a table holding one of it's legs with his arm and sucking the thumb on his other hand. "That's it!" Two yelled. We're going to see The Architect!" ~ Oh bloody Hell! ~ Spike thought while rolling his eyes. ~ What have I gotten myself into! ~  
  
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Wanna see a new chapter?  
  
R&R!!!!  
  
Or I'll send The Twins after you!  
  
Love,  
  
Jaded316 


	3. I'm Not Following Any Bleeding Yellow Br...

(A/N): This is the result of two hours sleep, Nesquik coffee syrup and a troubled mind. Enjoy.  
  
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Title: I'm Not Following Any Bleeding Yellow Brick Road!  
  
Determined to find the answers they seek, One, Two, Agent Smith and a very reluctant Spike leave the bar only to be confronted with a very peculiar sight. "Okkkaayyy. That wasn't there before, right?" Two asked suspiciously as he leaned heavily on his brother's shoulder. In front of the Fearsome Four was a long, yellow brick road that began right at the door of the bar, and ended at some unforeseen destination. "It seems as if The Architect is bending reality to give us a way to find him." Agent Smith reasoned, having finally regained control over himself. Although, he did still have the leg of the chair with him like some sought of makeshift security blanket. Spike stared at the Agent with an incredulous look on his face. "Oookay! This is where I draw the line!" Spike yelled drunkenly with a big sweep of his arms as if he were an umpire who saw one of the Mets trying to steal home. "Do I look like a prepubescent girl with pigtails and a puffy white dress?! I'M WILLIAM THE EFFIN' BLOODY DAMMIT! AND I"LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GOING DOWN SOME CRAPPY STREET THAT LOOKS LIKE SOME FRAT WANKERS JUST PISSED ON IT!!" The veins on Spike's neck were bulging out and his eyes looked like his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. Dead and ghostly or not, Spike looked like he was gonna have a heart attack, until One unsteadily walked up to him and slapped the vampire. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN.VAMPIRE.WHATEVER!" One shouted at Spike as he pulled on his leather duster so that the two were face to face. "Why should I!" Spike cried as he yanked away from the albino twin. "I'm already damned! It's bad enough I'm gonna spend an eternity suffering, I have to suffer here on Earth, too!" Whined the Master vampire as the Twins dragged him down the yellow road.  
  
"Come on, Spike. Perk up! Oh, I know! Wanna skip down the yellow brick road and sing the song!" One asked in fake, bubbly brightness, thoroughly enjoying making the bleached blonde vampire squirm. "Oh, Weeee're off to see the Wizard!" The Twins began to sing. Terrified, Spike did his "Ghost Thing" and One and Two fell down, yelling obscenities at the now smirking ghost/vampire. (A/N: Which I like to call "Ghampire.") Agent Smith just stood there, table leg in hand and sucking his thumb. He bore a striking resemblance to the Peanut's character, Linus, a.k.a kid who carried around blue security blanket. "Listen guys. If there is a program Hell, you are probably on the top of the list. Just accept your fate with dignity." The three programs looked at each other then looked at the Ghampire. "Nahhhh!"  
  
So the four continued to walk down the path, receiving curious glances from some, while others pointed and laughed. Rightfully so, they were immediately shot in the head by Agent Smith, making Spike perk up just a bit. "You guys do realize that all we need now is a little scraggily dog named Todo." To the right of the path was a dark alleyway where little Frodo Baggins appeared and crept up to the four. "Did you say a little hobbit named Frodo?" "Nooooo." Spike said annoyed and confused by the presence of the Shire native. "I think The Architect has been hitting the bottle again." One whispered to Two. "Again?" Spike asked raising his scarred eyebrow. "You know that whole Recall fiasco right here in good ole' Cali?" Spike looked at him in surprise as One raised his thumb to his mouth and tilted his head back in a drunken, shaky motion. "Yes. Some of the world's strangest happenings are caused by The Architect's penchant for.uhh. "Wine tasting". "Spike look at Agent Smith skeptically. "Riiiigghhttt. You mean getting dead drunk to the point of falling flat on his ass." "Exactly." Two said cheerily. One was to busy staring at Frodo to make a smart-ass reply. "What in the BLUE HELL are you?!" One asked doing his best "The Rock" impression. "Hi! I'm Frodo Baggins. I'm gonna accompany you on your journey! Won't that be fun!" Frodo gave One his most dazzling smile and One looked down on the hobbit with horror written all over his face. "Elrond! What are you doing here?! And why are you wearing that awful outfit?" Frodo asked Agent Smith. One and Spike cringed and Agent Smith took out his gun, aiming for little Frodo's head. Before he could pull the trigger, Spike grabbed his arm and stopped the agent from killing the beloved character. "I DON'T THINK SO!" cried One and before his twin could stop him, One field goal kicked Frodo back into the alley and into a garbage can. "Crapsicles. That was all kinds of wrong." Two whispered as a whole bunch of people gasped in horror at what One did to poor Mr. Frodo. "Uhhh, I think we should get outta here." Agent Smith suggested as an angry mob began to form, complete with pitch forks and torches.  
  
Holy crap! All this for that little ankle-bitter!" One yelled as the Four began to run down the road. "Great! Just bloody freakin' great! Before when I was being chased by a mob it was doing something dastardly and actually important. Not for knowing someone who sent a hobbit flying!" Spike huffed as he ran with the programs. "So, brother." Two began." You just won the effin' Superbowl with that hella-kick. What are you gonna do know?!" "I'm gonna run for my goddamn artificial life, wise-ass!" One yelled as they turned the corner and reached their destination. In front of them was a huge scary mansion. Looking like it was straight out of a Scooby-Doo cartoon. "Oh screw that! Frodo was cute but he wasn't that cute!" shouted one of the guys in the angry mob. "How dare you disparage our anger!" one of the female's replied and the mob turned on the loud mouthed guy instead. "I guess that kinda sated our anger." The woman said, and the angry mob became just a "slightly pissed" mob and decided to drive home to vent the remaining rage they had on the road.  
  
"Ok, boys. Let's go in." Agent Smith said through the thumb in his mouth. The four entered the spooky mansion not surprised to discover that the "Haunted Mansion" get-up was just a front. As they walked through the door they entered a small white passageway with countless doors. The four walked down the corridor, looking for the right door that would lead to The Architect. Spike, not being a frequent visitor like the programs, wondered what was behind the doors, especially the one standing before him in red and white stripes. ~ I wonder where this door leads. ~ Spike thought. He looked at the other three who were too busy being jumpy just incase The Architect threw some more "surprises" their way. Spike shrugged his shoulders and twisted the doorknob. "Nooooo!" the Twins and Agent screamed as the door opened and a large cloud of smoked leaked out. When the smoke cleared, the four killers were confronted by the scariest thing they had every seen...  
  
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(A/N): No hobbits were harmed during the writing of this fic. I happen to be pro-hobbit!  
  
Weirdness galore!  
  
Next chapter:  
  
We meet the entity that has able to scare these four bad asses!  
  
Plus, our boys finally meet with The Architect!  
  
R&R PLEASE!  
  
Love,  
Jaded316 


	4. Close Encounter of The Annoying and Furr...

Chapter 4: Close Encounter of the Annoying and Furry Kind.  
  
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Out of the red and white striped door popped the most terrifying and hideous creature they had ever seen.THE CAT IN THE HAT! "Through the door, I come to you. To greet and welcome and pester is true! Four restless travelers, my eyes do spy. All four in desperate need of hair dye!" Our four heroes were for the first time that night speechless and turned a puke-worthy shade of sickly green. "What do you mean by that!" Spike cried. Spike addressed the other three programs. "Are my roots showing?! It's hard to tell when you can't look in the mirror!" The Cat in The Hat bounced up to the four visitors and with each bounce toward them, they in turn jumped back. This continued until they were all the way up to the wall, which because of the cramped quarters, was only two steps.  
  
"Bad asses you are, Or at least suppose to be. Even though one looks like my accountant and the other a Billy Idol wannabe!" The Twins laughed and pointed at Spike and Smith's scowling faces. "Please. I have more humanity in my pinky finger than most accountant's have in their entire bodies." Agent Smith mumbled squeezing his table leg even tighter. "Screw what he said about you! Me?! A Billy Idol wannabe?! He stole MY look, you fur-ball swallowing ponce!" The Cat giggled and smiled as he walked up to the ghampire. "Oh, don't fret, For I'll bet. You don't mind my hassling. At least, not as much As you and your grandsire's slashing!" Spike looked at the oversized cat with pure unadulterated hatred. Agent Smith and the Twins looked between the two and let out a loud "Oooohhhhhhh" that echoed throughout the passageway. "I see you like little diddties, so here's one: You tread on dangerous territory, Pussy, I can barely control my demon. I doubt you'd still have that smirk on your face if I forced you to drink my sem**!" A loud *beep* was heard as Spike said the last word of his rhyme. "Naughty vampire, display such foul etiquette! SHE will not allow it, for this is a PG- 13 fic!"  
  
"Wait a minute, who's SHE?" Two asked, finally deciding to join the conversation instead of laughing at Spike and Smith's pain. "Who is SHE? SHE is the SHE that you cannot see! For SHE rules all that we can visually see. But to truly see is to see SHE, but only if SHE allows!" The Cat whispered in a conspiratorial tone. "Huh?! This cat's hopped up on acid or something. Let's just go look for The Architect and leave this 'hophead' to his business." One replied to the crazy Cat's nonsensical dialogue. "And how could I overlook the Twins? With their identical razors, blazers and grins. But I don't know exactly how happy they could be, considering last time they were seen, they were blown to smithereens!" The Cat finished with a giggle and did a somersault in front of the four completely brassed off killers. " Oh that's it." One said as he kneed The Cat in the stomach and Spike, Two and Agent Smith punched and kicked the green nuisance as Cat fell to the floor. "What do you have to say now, Cat! I really truly wish that right now I had a bat! To hang you by your whiskers, that would be sublime! I wonder how many ways there are to skin a cat alive!" Two recited as he helped the others beat the Cat to a mass of black and white fur, pointy teeth and blood. Smith used his table leg to 'bonk' The Cat in the head as Spike did a Mexican dance on top of it. Opposite the red and white striped door, right next to where the four baddies were beating the hell out of the green Dr. Seuss character, was a door with what seemed to be a large Mexican mask on it. The door opened and out popped the head of the masked wrestler who we occasionally see handing out mail in Wolfram and Hart. "Mucha Lucha!" yelled the Masked Mailman and then he stuck his head back in and closed the door.  
  
"Wait! Look!" One exclaimed. The other three stopped their assault only to see the Cat's face all twisted and distorted. "Wow! We really clobbered him! High five everybody!" Spike high-fived Two, then Agent Smith. He gave a 'thumbs up' to One, who was on the other side of the mangled Cat. "Good on you, mate!" One just looked at the vampire with a tried expression written on his face. "Nooooo. Look! That's not its face! That's a mask!" Spike furrowed his brows in confusion and Agent Smith bent down to remove the mask by pulling on the red and white striped stovepipe hat. Much to the surprise of the three programs and the one Master ghampire, the Cat was revealed to be *DA DA DA*. Mike Meyers! "Strange. Why would anyone want to dress up as such a disgusting creature?" Agent Smith asked perplexed by the change of events. "For an ass-load of money!" Mr. Meyers blurted out, right before he passed out. "Oh bloody Hell. I like Mike Meyers. At least as Austin Powers." Spike pouted and Smith put a reassuring hand on the bottle blonde's shoulder. "Don't worry we'll just tell people that..." "Hold on. I'm not getting chased by another angry mob." Two cried. "No. We'll just say." "Let' me tell you about the story of a man named SHHH!" Spike interrupted putting a finger to his mouth. "No we'll just logically explain." "When a problem comes along, you must Zip it! Zip it good!" Two joined in. "Come on you guys. Why should we be intimidated be the lowly viruses who find his toilet sense of humor amusing?" Agent Smith reasoned. "Hey!" The Twins yelled in unison. "What's so bad about being a virus?!" Two asked defensively. "Yeah!" One hit the Agent in the arm. "Ow. I'm just saying, who do we have to fear?" Smith asked. The other three let out a sigh of relief as Smith's logic seemingly saved the day. But what they failed to remember was that things are not always as they seem.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" The four screamed as the floor gave way beneath them and they fell into a room covered in television screens. In front of them was a desk and behind the desk was The Architect!  
  
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That was fun.  
  
R&R PLEASE!  
  
Don't make me send The Cat in The Hat to your house! He'll make fun of your obsession with fanfic and the posters of the Twins on the wall.  
  
Love,  
Jaded316 


	5. Colonel Architect

Chapter 5: Colonel Architect  
  
(A/N): This chapter is for mronimusha's request made a while back. Enjoy!  
  
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"Welcome, my children." The Architect greeted Agent Smith and the Twins. "Who is this you have brought to me?" "This is Spike, Master Ghampire." Agent Smith replied. "I see you have made some improvements to your office." "Yes. New desk. I was sick of just sitting here in the middle of the room. It seemed peculiar." The Twins nodded in agreement. "Yes, we were wondering about that." Spike just stood there, surprise written all over his face. Before The Architect could properly greet the visitor, Spike broke out in a huge grin and ran to hug the Creator. "Colonel Sanders! I missed you! I thought you died!" Spike let go of the confused old man and looked at the three dumbfounded programs. "You're Creator is The Colonel?!" " Spike! What are you doing you lunatic!" One seethed as his twin brother fainted. Spike ignored the assassin's outburst. "Let me get a two piece and a biscuit. Oh yeah, and a diet blood. Gotta watch my ghostly figure and all." Smith walked up to the blonde vampire and pulled him away from the startled Architect. "Yeah! Whaddya think you're doing?! I was about to ask for some popcorn chicken!" Spike yelled as the ex-agent pulled him in front of the desk, next to One who was trying to revive Two. "Spike! That is not the Colonel! That's the Creator of the Matrix! Show some respect!" Agent Smith told Spike in an urgent whisper. Spike just looked at him with a confused expression on his face and cocked his head, much like a puppy that was just told to not pee on the carpet. "I can see that the concept of showing someone respect is foreign to you, so just be quiet! Look what you did to poor Two!" Two was still sprawled on the floor and his brother decided to just keep nudging him with his foot until he woke up. "Whatever. He could use the beauty sleep anyway." Spike said nonchalantly, striking a match on The Architect's brand new desk to light his cigarette. One looked at the ghampire with disdain. "Hey! We look exactly alike!" Spike looked at One sheepishly. "Oh yeah! Sorry, mate."  
  
"That's enough! You guys are giving me a headache!" The Architect groaned making One and Smith jump back a bit in fear. Even Two began to stir and raised himself on his elbows. "Riiight. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the rum on your breath that anyone with nostrils could smell from ten feet away!" Smith and One cringed and Two fainted once again. ~ Lucky bastard. ~ One thought. The Architect became incredulous and began to sputter due to Spike's insolence. "How dare you! I do not drink! I merely sip!" Spike raised his scarred eyebrow and steadily stalked towards the old man. "Get up." Spike demanded. "What?! No! Get the Hell away from me before I write you into a Britney Spears concert!" This time One fainted and Two sprung up, razor drawn. "Britney Spears! Where?! I'll kick her fake million dollar ass!" Smith looked petrified and once again began gripping his ever-present table leg for dear life. "Calm down, Two. She isn't here. Just put the razor down." Not seeing the pop star, Two ever so slowly put his razor down. "I'm not gonna ask you again Colonel Sanders! Get up!" The Architect flipped spike the middle finger so Spike flipped The Architect out of his chair. "What are you insane?!" Smith yelled. Spike ignored him and began looking through The Architect's desk. "Exactly as I suspected! This desk is just a mini bar!" Spike continued to riffle through the desk as The Architect was still sprawled out on the floor yelling curses about "Damn Master ghampires and their dumbass leather dusters." "Now what do we have here?" Spike asked in an amused tone. He was holding a large photo in his hand and The Architect was still on the floor, looking at the photo in Spike's hand in shock, his face turning a ghostly white.  
  
"What do you have there, Spike?" Two asked as he leaned in to get a better look. Smith followed Two and One, who finally managed to regain consciousness, followed close behind Agent Smith. The three stopped right behind Spike and gawked at the photo in the ghampire's hand. It was a picture of The Architect and Bill Gates in Pink tutus. It was even signed by Gates saying 'Dearest Colonel, Good luck with the whole Matrix-thing. I'll always remember this night when we played our own private, bedroom version of "The Nutcracker." Eternally & Truly Yours, Love Billy Gates.'  
  
"Noooooo!" Screamed The Architect as he grabbed the photo out of the blonde's hands. "You bastards could never understand our love!" The Architect turn his back on the disturbed four and held the photo to his chest as he sighed dreamily. "Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkk." Spike said as he took a few steps away from The Architect's desk, unsure of what else he'd find. The Twins slowly turned their heads to each other, turned them back to The Architect and promptly fainted. Agent Smith slid to the floor and rocked back and forth, thumb in hid mouth and cuddling his table leg. " Right. Uh. Guys? Isn't there something you want to ask the Colonel?" The Twins woke up unsteadily and Agent Smith broke out of his twisted reverie. "Uhhh, right. We want to know if there's a Program Hell." Agent Smith told The Architect regally. The Architect glared at them with flames in his eyes. "A Program Hell!? There is no such thing! But I'm damn sure gonna make one now! Just for you jackasses! It'll be horrible!" The Architect suddenly had an unsettling gleam in his eyes. He turned his back to the four and walked to the other side of the room. "I know. You can spend an eternity watching myself and Billy.I mean Mr. Gates perform "The Nutcracker!" The Architect started to watch Spongebob Squarepants on one of the many screens as the four Big Bads reacted to this new turn of events. This time The Twins shrieked and Agent Smith fainted. Spike ran for the door and tried frantically to open it. "Heeellllpppp!!!!" Spike screamed and pounded on the door while the Twins ran in opposite directions around the room in circles until they crashed together in the middle of the room, a tangled heap of arms and legs.  
  
"Muwhahahahahha!" The Architect chuckled maniacally. "Screw this!" Spike barked as he walked to the fallen ex-agent and bent down next to him to start putting his hands in his pants. "What the fuck!" Screamed Smith. Spike's roaming hands caused the program to spring up and knock him upside the head with his table leg. "BOLLOCKS! You daft no good son of a Peanut's character! I was just looking for this!" Spike reached into Smith's back pocket and pulled out the gun. He stood up and shot Colonel Architect in the head, spraying the television screen that had Spongebob doing his bring it "Around Town" bit, with blood. The Twins finally managed to untangle themselves and brushed off their white coats as they stood up. "Well.That takes care of that!" Two said with a cheery voice. "Yes. It seems that there is no Hell for programs.except for the Source that is. But we're too valuable to the Matrix to worry about that." Agent Smith said cockily. "Yeah. Of course." One agreed, straightening his tie. "Uh, guys. Come take a look at this." Spike yelled. He was next to The Architect's body and he wasn't sure what exactly he was looking at. The three programs moved next to the ghampire and gasped at what they found. There were strings attached to The Architect's body, as if he were some old, wrinkly ass puppet. Suddenly the room became pitch black and they heard weird, disoriented laughter that seemed to come from everywhere.  
  
"Muwhehehehehehehe! I warned you once I warned you twice I warned you once TIMES three! Now face the wrath of the one they call SHE!!!" The eerie voice of The Cat boomed over them as Smith squeezed his table leg for dear life and The Twins huddled together, whimpering and clicking their shoes together whispering "There's no place like home." Spike was unfazed because he didn't have a corporeal form. Then he remembered The Architect's threat and fainted, being the last member of the group to faint. The strings that were tied to The Architect lead to a small door in the ceiling and the crevices on the door began to glow bright gold. The four were left to cower and wonder what exactly they would face next..  
  
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R&R!  
  
Or I'll send SHE after you! And believe me, you DO NOT want to mess with that Bitch!  
  
Love,  
  
Jaded316 


	6. Divine Being My Encoded Ass

A/N: I saw Revolutions Wednesday night and I have to say I wasn't surprised. Some may say it sucked others may say it was great, but I have to tell ya, I left that movie theatre thoroughly entertained. And that's all that really matters. The special effects were unbelievable. And all though it mostly became kinda cliché, I loved Neo's alternate vision. The only down point of the night was when I got sick from the crappy movie theatre popcorn. I was hella happy to see Seraph kicking some major ass. He's one of my new favorites. Kinda mad the Twins aren't in it but oh well. They'll live on in fanfiction. And I loved Smith's Jack Nicholson impression. Was I the only one who recognized it? Anyway, go! READ! I command it of you!  
  
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Title: Divine Being My Encoded Ass!  
  
Moments passed by that seemed like an eternity to our four heroes. Finally, light flooded back into the room only to reveal a room full of black television screens and an empty space where the door used to be. "Ah Hell! We're trapped like rats!" Spike cried as he rushed to where the door once was. " What are we going to do now?! I can't be stuck in here for all of eternity with you idiots!" Agent Smith began to pace back and forth, sweating profusely. "Is it getting really hot in here or is it just me?! Wait a minute! Did the walls just move closer in!!!" Smith loosened his tie and hugged his table leg closer to his body as if it were a teddy bear. " Don't you know I feel the walls closing in." Two began to sing. One grinned like the Cheshire cat. "Awwww. Poor ex-agent. Afraid of closed quarters are we? Added to your impressive attributes of egomaniac and bad- ass, should we add claustrophobic as well?" Agent Smith bristled and bonked Two on the head with what Smith now affectionately called "Mr. Table Leg". Two quickly sobered up but not quick enough to detour the rage of Smith and Mr. Table Leg. "Mr. Table Leg says to "El Ka-Bong" you, now!" Smith yelled as he chased One around the room. Spike watched the two run around the small room until his head started to hurt. He then decided to raid The Architect's liquor bar/desk. ~ This is going to be a Hell of a long eternity. ~ Spike thought as he tried to drown his sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels. When the alcohol, once again, went right through his body he slid down to the floor and wept.  
  
As Smith repeatedly thrashed One with his table leg, the television screens one by one began to come to life. Part of an arm, a leg, a thigh, each screen showed more and more of what the captives were going to be forced to watch. Possibly for all of eternity. It didn't take long for Spike, Smith and One to deduct that whoever it was on the screen was female and wearing very little. The naughtiest, dirtiest most devilish grins appeared slowly on each of their faces. Everything was shown of the young woman, accept for her head. She was parading around on stage in nothing but tight pink leather pants and a white tube top that was small enough to be in the Children's Department. Lastly, the head of the woman popped onto three of the top screens and the three killers screamed in unbridled, unadulterated horror. "OH MY GOD! IT'S BRITNEY SPEARS!!!!!" Two dashed up, razor in hand. "WHERE IS SHE! I'LL KILL HER!!!" Two started running around doing spiffy razor tricks to illustrate his point. It was only after he calmed down that he realized that he tore slashes into his brother's and Agent Smith's clothes. Spike was the only one untouched but the emotional trauma of watching Ms. Spears was enough to make him sink to the floor and shrivel up into a fetal position. "Sorry guys." Two whispered sheepishly as he bent down to check on Spike. "Spike?" "Mommy? Is that you mommy? Please make that bad, bad woman go away, mommy." Agent Smith raised his perfectly arched eyebrow at the fallen ghampire. "Don't worry. I'll take care of this." Smith El Ka-Bonged Spike over the head, knocking the sense back into his bottle blonde head. "Owww! Bloody Hell! What did you do that for?!" Spike roared as he rubbed his head and uneasily made it to his feet. "We're gonna be stuck in here forever with that succubus until we figure out a way outta here! And I'm not above throwing another tantrum!" Two cried, his eyes staring to become glassy with unshed tears. "Uh, guys. I think the only way out is up." One said while pointing up to the small door where the strings that were attached to The Architect seemingly originated.  
  
"Oh Heeelllll no! I'm not going up there! You heard what the disembodied voice of that crazied Cat said! Up there dwells SHE! I'm not ready to face anything else this crazy ass asylum has to throw at us." This time, the outburst came from Smith, making the others raise their eyebrows, even though they weren't as angular or intimidating as Smith's. "Ok. Calm down, you just keep stroking your table leg." The twins looked at Spike and Smith with identical disturbed faces. "You know, when I was growing up, they called it 'Pocket pool'." One replied as Two blushed. The agent and the ghampire looked at the twins with the same look the two had just moments earlier. "Oh shut up! We have to figure out how we're gonna get up there!" What the room lacked in width, it made up for in depth. The ceiling was far beyond the reach of any of the four, even when standing on the Architect's mini bar/desk. For the fifth time, Two jumped up and down on the mini bar/desk trying to grab the string that was on the small door and unceremoniously fell down. Luckily he had the floor to break his fall. Two quickly got back to his feet, trying desperately to grab the remands of his shredded dignity. Unfortunately it was much like his brother's coat that met the blade of his razor when he threw his tantrum. A lost cause. "Ok. I guess that won't work." "No duh!" "Shut up, One!" The four exasperated baddies stood there thinking of ways to solve their dilemma. In the room, they could here ticking and the Jeopardy theme song began to play. As son as the song was over, a bright bulb could be seen over One's head. "Eureka! I think I've got it!"  
  
On top of The Architect's mini bar /desk we see four of the most terrifying, awe-admiring, scary-ass killers were seen. One on top of the other, trying to reach the string on the secret ceiling door. Spike, concentrating to make his body solid was at the bottom, with Two on his shoulders. Agent Smith was on Two's shoulders and One was on Smith's shoulders. "Why do I have to be on the bottom!" yelled Spike. "Because we called 'Not It' before you did." Smith replied in his arrogant tone and patented smirk. "Well, then. I guess that makes. Unless the ghampire that you all decided to team against would happen to make his body incorporeal again." Smith looked down at the ghampire's bleached head and narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn't dare." Not being one to break a threat, Spike voluntarily lost his concentration, causing the programs to fall to the floor, flat on their asses. They all glared up at the smiling ghampire. "Oops. My bad." Smith was the first to make his way back on top of the desk. "Mark my words, Blondie! When we get out of this hellhole my vengeance will be swift and painful."  
  
The second time proved to be the charm because Spike, who was now unsurprisingly on top of the other three men, was able to grab the string. When he tugged on it, the door opened and a ladder that reached al the way to the floor slid out, hitting the ghampire in the face. This resulted in a domino effect causing the four to sway back and forth until their tower fell down in a great mangled bunch of arms and legs. After putting the remains of their dignity in little tic-tac containers and waking Spike with One's rendition of "Oops.I Did It Again", the four climbed the ladder into what they knew would be their doom. Once they were in the room, the door behind them closed and Two, being the last one to enter, jumped at the noise. Wherever they were, it was pitched black except for a light that seemed to follow them. Without warning, light after light began to click on in the room. The floors were hardwood and the walls were forest green. On each of the walls were pictures of Agent Smith, the Twins and Spike. But not just regular pictures that adorned the walls of the ordinary fangirls that each bad ass knew they had, these were pictures of them eating, sleeping, showering. "Noooooo." Smith moaned in horror. "This can't be!" Spike and the Twins were looking around with huge, bright eyes, looking all twitchy and scared sh**less. "WHERE IN THE HELL ARE WE!" Two screamed as he spotted a picture of him dressed as a cheerleader. "You are in my sanctuary." Replied a calm voice. The four whirled around to see a single light illuminate a desk with a large, black leather chair in front of a desk with a computer on top of it. The chair whirled around and the four were finally confronted with HER. "This is my Fortress of Hottitude." Explained Jaded16. "And you are my captives. MUWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" At this revelation, the Four promptly fainted, realizing that what they were facing was the most ruthless, incorrigible excuse for a human being every to terrorize the planet....  
  
THE CRAZED FANGIRL FANFICTION WRITER!  
  
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Go ahead. Press that button right down there.  
  
Love,  
Jaded316 


	7. Mr Table Leg Saves The Day!

Jaded316: Yes. After what seems like ages, I've decided to give this fic a proper end.  
  
Madbrilliant: Just great! When you updated you're other fic you said you would finally decided to continue ours! You liar! *starts spilling giant tears*  
  
Jaded316: Oh stop crying you big baby! Right after this! I just wanna finish this. It is my first Matrix fic.  
  
Jaded puts a huge bucket over Mad to protect her floor from her huge tears. Big enough to come from the Bambi-like eyes of an Anime character.  
  
Madbrilliant: You're as cold as the snow that I had to shovel. My back hurts.  
  
Using the powers of 00berness mro bestowed upon her, she snaps her fingers and Spike instantly appears.  
  
Madbrilliant: rub my back!  
  
Spike (alarmed but always eager to please): Yes ma'am.  
  
Jaded316: Ahem. Riiighttt. You just enjoy while I write. Oh yeah. *clears her voice and deepens it to sound like a respectable announcer* I don't own anything. Not Spike, the Twins, Agent Smith, Lindsey, Pokeballs, or even Stephen, although I do own his Nightcrawler look.Uhhh you can see for yourselves.  
  
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Chapter 8: Mr. Table Leg Saves the Day!  
  
Spike slowly opens his eyes and blinked a few times until he was able to focus on the blurry blotch of black and green that greeted him. As soon as he saw the green-streaked brunette girl grinning madly at him, Spike jolted back into full consciousness and tried to push the crazed writer away from him and run like a thousand slayers were after him. To his dismay he found that his hands were handcuffed. "Wait a bleeding minute! How can I be handcuffed if I'm incorporeal?!" Eager to see if his body had been restored, he banged his head on the floor. "Cor! That hurt. But I have my bloody body back! Woo Hoo!" Spike began squirming around doing as much of his victory dance as he could, handcuffed, with his legs tied at his knees. "Yes, just marvelous. Why don't we all just start singing Ren & Stimpy's "Happy, Happy Joy, Joy" song!" One seethed. He and Two were tied in two chairs; there backs together and their beautiful white dread locks were also tied together at the ends. They glared daggers at the enthusiastic ghampire. "Actually, that isn't a bad idea! Happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy, joy.." Spike kept singing at the top of his lungs until a very dedicated Two was able to toss his shoe at Spike and hit him in the head. "Ow! You twerp!"  
  
Agent Smith was in the middle of the three, hog-tied on the floor, with his hands and feet tied together behind his back. His mouth was gagged with a Whoopie cushion but he was able to turn his left eyebrow into a smirking position. Spike and the Twins looked on in awe. "Wow. Talk about having expressive eyebrows." Agent Smith cocked his other eyebrow into a smirking position, too, until he looked down and saw a small gag on his best friend, Mr. Table Leg. The sight caused a giant tear to fall from Smith's right eye. One scoffed in astonishment when he saw what looked like a tear fall from Smith's left eyebrow. "What?! How did you do that?!" Two elbowed his brother and pointed in the direction Smith was looking. Now, One realized that what he thought was a tear was actually sweat, fore their captor was still there, just..staring. Finally cracking Two yelled, "Stop staring at us! You're worst than One's childhood cat, Mr. Bonkers." "Ooohhh." Jaded drawled, with evil intentions in mind. "You mean the same Mr. Bonkers you tried to flush down a toilet? Then put in a pillow case and threw down the stairs?" Two gaped as One blanched in anger. "YOU WHAT?!" One roared as he tried to face his brother. At the same time, Two tried to keep his back toward his brother so the twins picked up the chairs and started running in tiny circles. If he weren't already on the floor, Spike would have fallen down laughing. Agent Smith's eyebrows jumped up and own in amusement. The twins didn't stop until they fell down, hard on the floor." Cor! Ouchies! That wasn't pleasant at all." Tears came to Two's eyes and he began to weep uncontrollably. One laughed until the puddle reached his hair. "Not my hair!"  
  
"Seeing as the clueless Twins don't understand the severity of what you just did, I'll have to ask the question." Spike cleared his throat and put on a stricken face, trying to be as dramatic as possible, "How did you know that?!" Spike realized the error of his ways the moment Jaded's head turned around, revealing her disturbing evil smile, devoid of any warmth but the hot flames of Hell. "And you, Spike? What skeletons do you have in your closet? I wonder what the world would do if they knew that you had a crush on Barbara Streisend?" Every eye in the room turned to Spike's scared face. "That's just disturbing.yet funny, all in one deliciously embarrassing heap of nincompoopery!" One and Two laughed as Agent Smith's eyes filled with tears of laughter. " And you, Agent Smith. Aren't you the same program who played Dorothy in your third grade production of "Wizard of Oz?" People all over the world, in Hell, in Heaven in Purgatory and even in math classes were heard laughing their asses off. "You're the devil aren't you?" whispered Spike. "Pavayne a.k.a. that homo of a reaper who couldn't wait to get my clothes off got me and he was able to drag me down into Hell." A single tear slid down Spike's face. "And I was hoping that I'd get to tell Angel that I hated him one last time. Jaded pushed play on her CD player and a loud "Awwwwww" was heard around the room. "Don't worry. I only said those things to explain to you who I really am. Lindsey!" At the sound of his name, Lindsey came running into the room, wearing only a pair of form fitting blue jeans to show off his lovely tattoos. "Spike. This is Lindsey. He hates Angel, too. He also made you corporeal with this package that had a burst of light in it." "Really?! Well in that case, you just made a friend of life. Well, your life-span anyway. I get to live forever!" Spike wiggled around trying to do his victory dance.  
  
"Yeah. Whatever. Lindsey, untie him while I get the others." Jaded untied Agent Smith and yes, even Mr. Table Leg. She then untied the Twins and jumped out of the way when One pounced on Two. "HOW COULD YOU HURT MR. BONKERS?!?!?!? I"LL SHAVE YOUR HEAD BALD FOR THIS TREACHERY!!!" Two screamed as he struggled from under his brother's girth and ran around the room with One right behind him, razor in hand. Unlike usual, however, on the razor blade was a heaping glob of lather, ready to shave Two's head clean. "Come on, Two. You know you wanna look more like Morpheus!" Although the other three men gaped at the Twins, Jaded wasn't surprised in the least. "It's time to explain myself." One caught his twin and in one quick sweep. Cut Two's dreads in half. "Noooooo!" Two feel to his knees and cried as One waved his dreads in the air in victory. "My name is Jaded and as you may very well know, I'm a fanfiction writer." The men shuddered in fear of this revelation. "I brought you here to answer your question. Some unreachable divine being doesn't control your lives. I control them. Well, writer's in general. As a matter of fact, to entertain the masses, I created this whole adventure. Bitching, ain't it?" The four men gaped at the slip of a girl who held their lives in her hands. "You lie! How could one mind concoct such stupidity?" Agent Smith asked, unable to believe the change of events. "We've known of fanfiction for a long time, but if you control us, who controls you?"  
  
Jaded just smiled as she sat on the chair behind her desk. "We all have our superiors. You just know that I'm yours." One blanched at the nerve of this human woman. "Who in the Hell do you think you are?! There's no way I going to let a mere female tell me what to do! I." Jaded just turned around and started typing. Seconds later, One's defensive posture completely changed. When Jaded turned around, One gazed at Jaded dreamily. "I love you." One sighed as his brother stared at him in disbelief. "What did you do to my brother?!" Jaded calmly replied "He forced me to do it. I turned this fic into a Marysue. I'll give you two guesses on who he's in love with and the first two don't count." One continued to gaze at Jaded as the others watched on in horror. "Ok! Ok! We believe you! But why did you bring us here?" Jaded shrugged. "Needed a good ending." Agent Smith looked at Jaded with tears in his eyes. "This is the end? Barnacles." Jaded grinned at the exiled Agent. "No, silly. There's never an end. Writers all over the world will write about you. Some fics sad, some funny. Others stupid and few epic, but you'll always be remembered. So in other words." Jaded clears her voice, ready to borrow a bit from Lambchop's old song. "This is the fic that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and on my friend. An author started writing it not knowing what it was, and she continued writing it forever just because, It s the fic that doesn't end.!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
ONE HOUR LATER:  
  
Once Jaded stopped, Agent Smith felt better by Jaded's words of reassurance. "Mr. Table Leg thanks you for your kind words, meldiramin ." Spike and Lindsey looked at Agent Smith in bewilderment. "What did you just say?" Lindsey asked. Agent Smith looked around the room with shifty eyes. "Uhhhh.Nothing. Hehehehe." Spike slowly took a step away from Smith. "Riiiight. Can we go now?" Jaded shrugged. "Sure. I'm done. Just be careful. Evil dwells within these halls. You never know when SHE approaches. Agent Smith rolled his eyes. "Oh great! Another SHE! What's so scary about this one? Does she go around whipping people with licorice?" "Nooo. Actually that's me, too. But only to my boy toys." One's eyes lit up at this and he smirked as he inched his way toward Jade. Unbeknownst to him, she had mase and blinded him as she scurried behind Lindsey. Just then, a menacing figure cloaked in the shadows busted through the door. "Hello, dear sister." Jaded's eyes widened in shock. "Oh no. It's HER.. Mad.." The young girl walked into the room. Her hair was short and streaked in every color of the rainbow. The brightness of the yellowed blinded all the men except for the Twins, Jaded and Agent Smith, who were wearing shades.  
  
"We have some unfinished business sister. You stole my Pirates of the Caribbean DVD!" Madbrilliant raised her lightsaber and turned it on. A red glow began flickering on and off until she hit it with the back of her hand, restoring it's constant red glow. Jaded drew her lightsaber out, revealing a glow of blue. "I did nothing of the sort! Mom gave it to me!" The large glowing staff awed two, oblivious of what was happening. "Ohhhh. It looks like a Popsicle." Before Jaded could move it, Two found out that it indeed wasn't a Popsicle when he tried to lick it and was shocked. The force of the shock threw him across the room and into Jaded's posters of The Rock. Spike fell on the floor laughing while Lindsey just shook his head "Damn that was stupid." Jaded ran toward Madbrlliant, flipping in the air like Yoda in Episode 2. The blades of the two authors met, causing a bright blaze of red and blue and for the slight buzzing sound to echo in the room. The Agent Smith, Lindsey, Spike, One and a very crispy looking Two sat down and watched the girls duel. Lindsey pulled a bowl of popcorn from behind Jade's desk. At Spike raised eyebrow he shrugged and the boys dug in. Madbrilliant pushed Jade away and kicked her in the gut. A loud "boo" was heard throughout the crowd. As Jaded laid on the floor, Mad began flexing her muscles in mock poses. Mad was so busy, she didn't see Jade jump back to her feet and she was able to kick her in the head. A loud "yay" was yelled by the boys.  
  
"This is getting us nowhere." Jaded put away her sword and pulled out a Pokeball. "Nightcrawler!" Jaded yelled. "I chose you!" A bright light appeared and Jaded's friend, Stephen appeared. His hair was dyed blue and a blue belt was super glued to his lower back, where a tail would be. He smiled, revealing the plastic fangs he had in his mouth. "Ok. If that's the way you wanna play it." Mad pulled out her Pokeball. "Clay Aiken! I chose you!" Sheer horror was etched on the face of every soul in the room, ruling out Mad, as Clay Aiken stood there in all his Gollum-like glory. "If I was invincible. Then I could just watch you in your room." Clay sang, as Nightcrawler ran away whimpering and Jaded fell to her knees, defeated. "There is no hope." She whispered. Agent Smith, having an odd feeling of déjà vu take over him, stood up in all his business-suit glory. "There is still hope." Determined he ran over to Jade's table and stopped in front of the computer. "Mr. Table Leg demands that I El Ka-Bong you now!" In what seemed like slow motion, Agent Smith busted Jade's computer as Jade and Mad yelled a dramatic "Nooooooooo." When the deed was done, the whole room began to shake. Spike looked around the room scared because the last time he was a shaking room he died to save the world. ~ Oh Hell no! I'm not going out like a chump, again! ~ "Oh shit! Let's get outta here!" The five men, Clay Aiken, two authors and poor confused Stephen ran out of the room and down the narrow halls, jumping over the still bloodied body of the Cat in the Hat. When they made it out of the house safely, the house collapsed, leaving debris everywhere. Jaded and Mad were on the brink of tears.  
  
"Where are we gonna live now?" One stepped up and put his arm around Jaded you can live with us!" "She can what?!" exclaimed his brother. "Two, I know you've always been the slow one but please try to keep up. Jaded and Mad are gonna live with us." Two opened and closed his mouth in complete shock until Mad touched his arm. "Please, Two. I can be very.pleasant company." The seductive smirk on Mad's face made Two blush as One cuddled up closer to Jaded. "So.What do you want to do tomorrow night, Brain? Lindsey asked Spike as the group walked down the street. "The same thing I want us to do every night, Pinky. Try to make Angel's life a living Hell!" Agent Smith stopped them and said in his most regal voice. "So it was said, so it will be. Fore we are the Fellowship of the Bad Asses!" The e group all let out a loud "yay!" Agent Smith turned to Clay Aiken. "Except for you. You remind me too much of Gollum. Jaded pressed play on her handy tape player causing a loud "Awwww" to be heard at Clay's crestfallen face. "That's right!" a tiny voice said. Everyone except for Agent Smith gaped at Mr. Table Leg. "What? I told you he could talk." One was the first one to break the silence. "Dudes! This is some f***ed up acid trip we're on!"  
  
*It's scary. Clay Aiken and the Bad Asses, Bad Asses, Bad Asses, Bad Asses. NARF*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sweet merciful end. How you warm our souls with light and hope. If you like, maybe I'll make a sequel. God help us all!  
  
Madbrilliant (crying): You and me get to go live with the Twins? I'm always a sucker for a happy ending. *sniff*  
  
Thanks to all those who reviewed! Love you!  
  
Love,  
  
Jaded316 


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